A weekly segment, in which I ruin and violate everything our childhood held dear. Here, I attempt to realise a long held crush. I thought it was futile. But is it really? And will I be arrested for stalking?
Coming Soon, to FaceStuff; a Place for Stuff
‘That’s not my wand’ and other wizard based double entendres AKA
Boning Hermione Granger!
One man’s epic journey to violate a beloved children’s character
I mean, c’mon. Who wouldn’t?
Childhood Destruction 2
Boning Hermione Granger
I begin my epic and essentially weird quest to get inside the robes of Hermione, or at least Emma Watson, by doing a little bit of e-stalking. This week, it’s just pictures (of which I had an insane amount to choose from, making my ‘research’ far too easy.) but I’m working on tracking down genuine versions of her social networking sites. I remember she used to keep a rather active myspace, before she closed it down because people started stalking her. Freaks.
Accio sexy pictures!
Just a standard face shot. I’d like to shoot something into her face. With my wand. (I aint gonna stop with these.)
Did I mention she looks hot dressed down and shopping? Cos she totally does.
(I like this one cos it looks like a stalker took it. We have something in common Emma! You have stalkers! And I am one! ZOMG!!!)
Going out on the town. I’d like to go to town on that! BAM! Did you just cast Wingardium Leviosa, or I am just happy to see you?
Wow. Um, hi. Is it getting warm in here? Cos I feel the need to take my pants off.
Ok. Ummm. I have nothing to say.
Wow. Ok, I’m naked. Didn’t expect that.
P.S This was an exceedingly creepy search. A decent portion of pictures were of Emma when she was much younger. If there’s one thing you can count on a large number of internet people to do, it’s fantasise about statutory rape. Cheers, Humanity.
In order to avoid being also charged with possessing explicit images of children when I am eventually arrested for stalking, I searched for pictures of 2009. Even this search revealed a huge number of links, over ten thousand.
With my elite team of hackers working hard on getting the codes to Emma Watsons MySpace account, I’ve taken a new direction. Honestly I don’t know what the point of hiring Hugh Jackman, John Travolta and Halle Berry if they can’t even hack that! I mean I even kidnapped Jackman’s daughter and strapped bombs to a whole lot of people for crying out loud. Wait. That might have been a bad film. Fuck you Swordfish.
Anyway new direction. I’ve discovered, much to my surprise, that there are several Fan clubs and Fan Sites, entirely dedicated to Hermoine! Of course many of these are populated by young teens, who still believe that one day they will be discovered to have magical blood and head off to Hogwarts to have adventures which will give them severe mental scarring, just like Harry! Yippee! Then there are the obligatory creepy older guys, who fantasise about Ms Watson and the sites younger inhabitants: often together. And then there are cool people like me who really want to get to know her before doing nasty things to her body. Now, I know someone like Emma would totally hang around her own fansites, just shooting the breeze, getting to know people, staying down to earth and hooking up with infatuated boys from Australia. So I signed up to a couple. Check them out.
Next week-Hermione SlashFic. Still getting over some of this, which is why I didn’t post it this week. If you’ve never read fanfiction before then you would probably be unaware of its most toxic form-the SlashFic. At once both sickly hilarious, strange, terrifying, wretch inducing and a dive into the depraved collective psyche of the internet. The term refers to two characters from a show, book or movie (generally a series and generally with a cult following) getting together, whether or not they would have in the original text (the original text is referred to as cannon. It’s a whole new world.) This ranges from the sweet (A perpetually lonely character finding love with a close friend) to the bizarre (See this; http://www.cracked.com/article_16554_5-most-baffling-sex-scenes-in-history-fanfiction.html Yes. Picard and Elrond.) to the sincerely fucked up (Dumbledore and Hagrid. In Graphic detail. Nightmare material.) Cheers for that one, internet. Laters.
The more I do this, the worse I feel. It’s becoming quite a journey of self discovery, delving deep within myself to really discover who I really am and what my place in the world is and how many boner jokes I can make using the word wand. But seriously, this site I found, the one I linked earlier, this one…
I’m not sure I can handle it. Exploring Emma’s website, following her on Twitter, tattooing her Wikipedia entry over my lower back and publicly executing a member of Nickleback just to get her attention has really left me feeling like I know her, like reading all this intense stuff and worse, writing it myself means it ends up feeling like a betrayal of sorts. Except for the Nickleback murder. They gave me an honorary Grammy for services to music for that. That was pretty cool. I would have done it, like, y’know, for whatever.
I’m sure that doing that, personifying the subject of my obsession, creating an imaginary bond between the two of us, like she is somehow aware of my behaviour, is out of the goddamn stalkers handbook. That shit is becoming pathological. Hell I even felt bad when I read this on her website…
“What does Emma think about private pictures of herself being hunted down and posted on private websites?
It makes Emma very upset to know that there are people out there, many of whom claim to be fans, who violate her privacy and, more importantly to Emma, her friends privacy. Emma is aware that many people use these photo’s to pose as her friends and recomends you should never believe anyone who makes these claims.”
Apart from the creepy third person and the numerous opportunities for jokes (She said violate and privacy in the same sentance. More than once.) it’s pretty true. There are a lot of creeps out there. Allow me to illustrate this.
The Boy Who Lived. 
Simmering Cauldron 
Moonlit Nights 
Malfoy Manor 
The Black Tales 
Second War/Post J
ourney Through the Hourglass 
The Burrow 
Hogwarts Years/Life After 
General, Crossover &Original Character 
Keep in mind that this is an adult fanfiction website and the mind goddamn boggles. 842 for Malfoy Manor? Wierdo’s really have a thing for poor old Tom Felton (He plays Draco, muggles). What? There’s a popular line in which Hermoine and Melfoy’s dad, Lucius, get together? Cheers again internet!!! (Also Threesomes/Moresomes?-subtle!)
And then there’s a very specific search engine. You can find fic with specific warnings, characters, ratings, genres and even the amount of spoilers . Whats that, warnings? What could be there? What? You had to include warnings for Bestaility? Anal? Malfoycest!!!? Keep in mind that Hermoine has to be the main character and they’ve just include some passing, randomn incest between wannabe albino’s who follow the Lord of all wizarding evil.
Unfortunately to actually view the fic, you have to be a member. Did I say unfortunately? Because I really meant thank fuck for that. Spell check playing up. Currently working up the courage to join. Actual filth at a later date. So long.
And Emma? I am so, sorry. I Hope this doesn’t come between us.
Oh thank god you’re still smiling!
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT OF A SEXUAL NATURE! WARNING!
Childhood Destruction 5
The time has come. I took the plunge and signed up to Granger Enchanted: Enchanting the Bookworm. In doing so I prepared my vomit bucket.
I was right to do so.
As I showed you yesterday the terms of service wasn’t an encouraging start. Keep in mind that statuary rape was the only thing that would get your fic taken down, in terms of content. The rest of the terms of service prevented you from messing with the site and you were informed, in no uncertain terms, that they would ban your IP address for good and retain the address for a year. Presumably so they could hack into your computer and set your background as naked pictures of Dobby. Hell hath no fury like a group of sexual deviants scorned.
VOMITOUS SAMPLE NUMBER 1-This story, in which Hermione discovers her old school enemy, Pansy Parkinson is now a drag king (for some reason) in a muggle bar(?!) and goes and has sex with her after a cabaret show (for some reason) despite being married to Ron (for some reason).
It was on the first page. It is over five thousand words. It goes on and on like this.
“Merlin, Granger, don’t be a tease if you’re going to kiss like that.” Pansy knotted her fingers in Hermione’s hair and pulled her back into the kiss almost before Hermione had drawn a full breath.
Pansy’s kisses were quick and sharp and urgent, the perfect counterpoint to Hermione’s languid explorations, and Hermione was driven backwards under the onslaught of questing lips and hands until her thighs hit the ledge of the counter behind her. She groaned as Pansy kept pushing, not stopping till Hermione was half-perched on the high counter, back pressed against the mirror and Pansy crowding into the v of her legs.”
Cheers vomit bucket!
VOMITOUS SAMPLE NUMBER 2-For some reason Hermoine is with Charlie Weasley. For some reason her and Charlie decide to let Fred join in their sex, treating him like the filthy ginga bitch he is. WHAT THE FUCK INTERNET?
“Good boy,” Charlie purred before he pushed Hermione’s shirt over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra so her tits bounced as she moved. He groaned as he shifted in the chair, his fingers curled into his palms. Charlie grinned at him as he lazily caressed her tits. “She’s got great tits, doesn’t she? Do you see how they fit in my hand? Perfect. Made for me to hold. Watch her face when I do this, little brother. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your life?”
“No,” Fred said softly as Hermione’s eyes fluttered shut and her lips parted. Her skin was flushed and he could see sweat starting to develop around her hair as she got more excited.
“Let my brother lick your nipples, baby,” Charlie commanded huskily. “He’s being a good boy and deserves a reward.”
Hermione smiled wickedly as she gracefully stood up and walked over to him. “My husband thinks you’ve earned the right to take my breast into your mouth,” she said thoughtfully. “But I’m not so sure. Do you want to suck on my nipples, Fred?”
Cheers Vomit bucket!
You know what? Screw this. I’m not going to read anymore. I mean, I’ve read erotic fiction before, I know the type. I’ve read erotic fanfiction before, so this isn’t exactly new to me. But the sheer volume of it here
is seriously messed up. It took me all of ten seconds to find either of those stories and those extracts where almost taken out at random. You are messed up internet! You are messed up humanity! Hell I didn’t look at any of the bestiality or incest stories. This was from the tamer of erotic fanfiction! And they were both over five thousand words, in fact that’s about average length! People have this amazing ability to waste their time doing useless, weird shit. If we put the same amount of effort into curing fucking cancer, or discovering the meaning of life we’d be there by now. YOU HEAR ME INTERNET? YOUR PREOCCUPATION WITH HERMOINE GRANGER EROTIC FANFICTION HAS COST ME MY CHANCE TO LIVE ON MARS! MARS, YOU DICKS!!!!!
Anyways. I really need to see someone do something worthwhile before I go and murder dozens of people. On the edge here.
HAVE A NICE DAY:)
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT OF A SEXUAL NATURE! WARNING!
Childhood Destruction 6
A frank and open letter to Emma Watson (First draft)
Dearly Beloved To Hermione Snookums Whatup Watto!
You might not know me, but I sure know you. I know how sweet you are, how kind. How the lights from the talk shows you appear on make your pale brown hair shine. What shade is that anyway, Emma Watson? Birch third? Inner Oak?
I ask because
I’m making a friend of mine is making a scale model of you in his bedroom and I want it he wants to get it just right. He wouldn’t want to disappoint you, Emma Watson. That’s the last thing he would want to do.
Look, I know you have a boyfriend, but that shouldn’t be a problem. It shouldn’t be an obstacle to our love, Emma Watson. Look if you had me and him sit down and work out our problems over a couple of cyanide pills, I’m sure we could come to some kind of agreement.
Did I say cyanide pills? I meant Kool Aid.
Laced with cyanide. I AM GOING TO MURDER HIM HIS CORPSE TO SHARKS.
And you see, we have so much in common, Emma Watson. You’re an actor (and a damn good one at that!) and I have acted my way past the security on your estate. But I never came inside. I wouldn’t want to freak you out, before we got to know each other, Emma Watson. And you like fashion, y’know, trying on new looks, different ways to wear things. And I love to get different ways to watch you trying on new looks. But don’t be scared Emma Watson. I won’t tell your parents where you got that tattoo. It’ll be our little secret.
You know that I used to be nicknamed Harry Potter? And people used to tease me about it, and say silly things like ‘Why don’t you marry Hermoine?’ and ‘Are you in love with Hermoine?’ and other silly little things like that. WE ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER!
So, I just want you to think about it Emma Watson. And remember that I love you. More than all the
other freaks on the internet.
Campbell (Your Number 1 fan!)
P.S Killing which Beatle would impress you more? Ringo or Paul?
Sigh. Hi Emma.
Out of nearly four (4!) pages of Emma Watson pictures posted today, I think I like this one the best.
Granger gonna hand out some serious beat down!
I really have to stop talking ghetto. It is not funny. This was my last time.
But she does look badass.
Cos this would be what me and Emma would do, just hang out and be awesome. I’d be wearing my leather jacket, skinny jeans and custom chucks, with my back on a footstool and my legs up the wall. Just being super cool.